Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
