then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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