I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize