I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
