Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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