Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
