Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
