You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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