you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
