Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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