Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
