I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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