you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
