captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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