Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the raccoons are back...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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