That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
