How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
