..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
