Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
