So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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