He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
