apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
