Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
