im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
