yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
