Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
