I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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