Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
