Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
