i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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