All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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