a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
