mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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