Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
