This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
