And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
