Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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