Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
