I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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