for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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