An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
