I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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