i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
