I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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