1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
