whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
