i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
