She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
