I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
