We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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