dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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