Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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