Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
