thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
