He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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