Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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