I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
