I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel great
I just peed on a car
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
