I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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