He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
