Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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