I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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