he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
