I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize