You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
