i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
